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So I found this on my new ana site that I love <3 and I am going to do it! It's a 50 day challenge to NOT binge bc I'm disgusting and grotesque. Starts tomorrow!!
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Day 1: Why are you doing the 50 day binge free challenge?

Day 2: Post a recent picture of yourself! Don’t body-shame, name two things you like about yourself in this picture.

Day 3: What do you define as a binge?

Day 4: A picture of one snack you had today that you felt was a good portion size.

Day 5: What do you usually binge on? Do you have certain trigger foods?

Day 6: Do you have any fear foods? If so, post a picture of them here. Yep, have the picture on your blog, and try to stop being scared of these foods.

Day 7: Are there specific times of day that you have trouble avoiding a binge? How are you working around that now? (Congrats on making it one week!!)

Day 8: A picture of something that makes you smile.

Day 9: What inspires you?

Day 10: A picture of a time in your life you remembering being really happy. How much does binging affect your mood?

Day 11: What is the hardest thing you’ve had to do? It can be fitness, social, mental, etc.

Day 12: Why do you think you binge? Be honest with yourself.

Day 13: What are you doing to make sure you’re drinking enough water? (This is key!)

Day 14: Do you think your binging is emotional?

Day 15: You’ve lasted OVER TWO WEEKS! How does that feel?

Day 16: Picture of a non-food reward that you enjoy.

Day 17: What have you done so far to keep yourself going?

Day 18: Do a cartwheel, (OR anything else cool you can do physically) and add a photo of it!

Day 19: What is your favorite way to work out?

Day 20: Picture after an intense workout! (Doesn’t have to be from today, but it should be!)

Day 21: Post your intake today. Are you happy with it?

Day 22: Give us a picture of your favorite breakfast!

Day 23: What is your favorite HEALTHY food?

Day 24: Talk about something you did for YOU today – emotionally, physically, etc.

Day 25: CONGRATS! You’re HALF WAY THROUGH! How are you feeling?

Day 26: What has been the hardest part about this so far?

Day 27: Does anyone know about your issues with binging?

Day 28: Picture (if you’re comfortable) of something you’re insecure of, and 5 REASONS why you shouldn’t be insecure.

Day 29: What is the best compliment you have received/can remember?

Day 30: ONE MONTH IN! WAY TO GO! Think you can make it 20 more days? List 3 reasons you want to keep going.

Day 31: Who in your life makes you really happy?

Day 32: Do you strength train/lift weights at all? (YOU SHOULD!)

Day 33: Detailed account of a binge you remember having. Try analyzing your feelings before and after it happened.

Day 34: A picture of some item of clothing you want to buy for yourself.

Day 35: When did your binging start? Why do you think it started?

Day 36: A picture of a time in your life that you didn’t feel good about your body. List two things that you like about this picture now.

Day 37: Do you think it’s possible to be 100% happy with your body? Why or why not?

Day 38: What calms you down when you’re stressed out?

Day 39: A picture of your favorite book.

Day 40: TEN MORE DAYS LEFT! Name an accomplishment in your life that you’re really proud of.

Day 41: Favorite actress or singer and why? Do you look up to this person?

Day 42: A picture of what your pantry/dorm room looks like after 42 days of no binging! Are there foods you’ve been able to keep around that you couldn’t before?

Day 43: List five things that you love about yourself.

Day 44: Do you see yourself as a happy person? Do you think others see you as a happy person?

Day 45: What’s your biggest fear? How can you overcome it?

Day 46: When did you make your tumblr? How has it changed since you first started it?

Day 47: A picture of something you ate today that would have once made you feel guilty, but today you have NO GUILT.

Day 48: The challenge is almost over! List 5 things you’re looking forward to coming up.

Day 49 - Hey, remember that picture you took at the beginning on day 2? Post another one in the exact same pose. Notice any differences? What was your mindset on day 2 vs. today?

Day 50: CONGRATS! You’re amazing What are your goals now? Go after them!

slipping through grief

Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

I need to cry. Yeah. Never thought I'd write this either. I am horribly alone. I've had a rough rough rough past few months. I work too hard. I make okay money. I hate where I live. I miss my family. I don't want to move back "home." I don't want to move to LA. I want it to move to me. I want to chase my dreams more than anything in the world. I am still fat. I am still depressed. I have been smoking in my apartment... which is nice... I'm fat and it hurts to look at myself in the mirror. I am so alone. I want to be held loved adored fucked cherished kissed feel love being made to me without wanting to do it back... I want a man's undying attention. I want to be doted on. I want to be so attracted and be able to leave this wonderful man and regret it. I want ... no. I take it back... kind of. I want those things because what I desire... more than anything in the world... the deepest desire of my heart right now is to be in love. Pure and unapologetic. The kind of love that consumes your entire being... I want that love. I want love better than any I have ever known. I never want to feel this alone ever again. I want to share all of me. The good bad crazy beautiful amazing funny talented sexy lovely person I know that I am ... or can be... I want someone to see that and want it. Need it. Love it. Love me. And I want that man to be someone I am not settling on. Christ... don't I deserve that? ...

Probably not.

Me and Beth are detoxing. I better lose some fucking weight. Dear LA, you better be the fucking answer I am looking for.

Lately...

9 Crimes Damien Rice

Lately... well Christ... see lately is a different kind of beast. I've been homeless. Screwed over more times than I can count. I work 40hr a week but it feels like 70. All my "friends" are thin and beautiful and I know why they keep me around... to look good. I get it, don't worry, I completely fucking get it. God, I still feel eighteen. Still feel like I have forever. But if I don't get out of this shithole before my 30s then I am just as stupid as I ever thought I was.
I moved out. Solo living. First time in these twenty six years. Weird. But not. Freeing. But lonely. Perfect. But temporary. Gotta lose the weight now. Gotta do it now. That way when they tell the story there will be this time where I got my shit together.  But that time for me is now and I am a fragile thing. Easily tempted. Quickly distracted. Once I catch a glimpse of an intricate web of illusions, I plummet. Head over feet, I am the young Alice, tumbling unto a dimension which I cannot possibly be equipped to discover, yet tumbling just as quick. How I envy those who can conquer themselves and defeat their childish nature in order to acquiesce the desired vocation. Can I? Dare I allow these apparitions to hazy my subconscious as I lay asleep and unfighting?
All I allow myself to know is right now. I hate right now. I have to starve right now.

street lights

I see it in streetlights
stop signs
the desolate
places
they hide and theyre scared
they are so sick of the wait
he waits
and he feels
that he cant do this any more
the same girl
same kiss
different face or shape
he cant wait
anymore
promised hed wait forever, didnt he?
your prescence is requested
the beautiful and divine intervention....
Lord god I won't wait....
my soul burns
burns within me
within this sad and lonely cave
of my chest
bring your hand upon me...
let you holy deicison
grow with in me...
bring about you divine and worthy wisdom
let your hand move upon me
your glory your Holy... show me show me show me
in ways you never have

hoard

binged. binging. hot wings. beer. flatbread. 'tato chips. snickers. i should really just blow my brains out already

minutes

Swimming With You - Benton Falls

I like the idea of us. For a minute...I miss the feel of us. For seconds... I remember what it was like and I miss the togetherness. I seek comfort in the cold now. In the quiet. I'm on the the apex, about to fall on one of these sides and neither seems right. The darkness climbs up toward me. Stretching it's icicle fingers.

... sorry thought I had a poem in me... definitely didn't.

After four days of liquids I ate today and I feel like shit. Back to liquid and starving tomorrow. And a hellish workout if I can get my fat ass up at a decent time tomorrow. I got S T O N E D  last night. Couldn't sleep. Thought weed would help. It didn't. Well... it did just ... I was so giggly and high that I forgot to fall asleep hah. Anyway, I just took a crapload of fiber to flush out the bullshit food I ate. I hung out with Beth. It's typical for me to eat around Beth even though she is the hotter one who men like. Fuck. I hate myself. Chase has been hangin out with everyone from work but me... makes me feel like ... inadequate. Not good enough. I had a good time with Beth tonight but I am really fucking over everything right now. I think I am going to regret moving back "home" by this time next year. I'm getting really fucking old.

I love love love her for doing this. It really grosses me out. Send to all your anas! This helps me so much!

http://youtu.be/xQ7EaMGUcY8