new life

I worked out for an hour today. I'm gonna shoot for two tomorrow. Maybe sauna time... actually no. Too fat. Men use the same workout facilities/sauna room since it's a community gym area for the whole complex. Maybe by the end of the March. I am trying to workout every day starting today. Sticking to at least an hr of cardio each day. As soon as I  pay rent I will be buying my calorie free essentials. Just things to make it easier. I am also going to buy a dresser and book shelf. I will be completely unpacked. Feel more human. More settled.  My goal is to be 25-30lbs lighter by June. I visit home in June and I want to look fit and healthy. I will  still be fat but, it's a start. Working out felt good. I can't wait to pay rent so that I will be able to buy healthy food as well. *sigh* I'm feeling sleepy.

still

Still fat.  Still friendless. Moving here feels more and more like a mistake every day. My roommate told me to look up hotspots in the town or in the big city nearby. Just might. I need friends. Having a job hasn't made anyone want to get to know me. Fuck. I'm lonely. I think if I was thinner I'd attract more people. Everyone in this fucking town is so fit and thin. It's annoying. Found a new thinspo woman. She's beautiful. Actress. Amy Acker is her name. I love her.

lack of color

Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
     "this is fact not fiction, for the first time in years..."


I am starting to realize just how much is wrong with me. And how much I want to finish school, get a real job so that I can have proper insurance so as to deal with all my shit. My depression comes from my belief that my body is crap. It is ugly. It is disgusting. I hate it. I'd rather be at home, alone in my room than out among people, subjecting them to my ugliness. I feel that disgusting. I feel that ugly. This causes me to be lazy, thus only getting fatter and fatter. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to hate myself forever, because... when suicide is something that I think about and fantasize about... I know I'm sick. I want to be the person I've wished to be. Thin. Beautiful. Wise. Patient. Kind. Loving. Loved. The opposite of what I have been my whole life. I want my confidence to always be there instead of smoke disappearing beneath grasps. I want to be better than what I have become. I want to be able to feel successful and happy. And... if not happy, then content. I want to be able to lie in bed all day for a day and not feel guilty for being lazy and fat. I want to be able to eat something and not think of ways to punish myself for it later. I want to workout as a daily routine, not 2 hrs of sweating and pain because I haven't lost any weight lately.
I want so badly to be . . . someone else. I am not thin beautiful wise patient kind or loved. Rather fat ugly stupid impulsive lazy and ignored. And even if I was all of those good things... without being thin... those things are worthless. No one wants to be loved by a fat woman. No one cares if a fat girl is kind or patient. She should be. She's fucking ugly and worthless. And no one loves a fat women. No, she is pitied. And here I am back at the beginning. Ana is the only way to a better life.

disordered disorder

So... there is something wrong with me. Something that I am barely starting to recognize. I like myself. I think I am pretty. I have an over-inflated idea of what I look like. I think I am slim and mini sized and pretty and fit well into my clothes. I have an Eliza Dushku type of personal self image. This self-image is what allows me to come off as confident when I meet someone in person. Then a photo is taken. Or I catch my reflection out in public. Or I see myself in a video feed displayed on a screen of some electronics store. The illusion of how I feel about the way I look is shattered. Ugly. Fat. I hate what I see. That can't be me. It can't. No. That fat disgusting blob has to be someone else. Then I evaluate how I have mostly female friends. The only people who compliment my appearance are women. I have no male prospects... ever. And I know its all true. I am that fat. I am that disgusting. And my self-esteem plummets. And I sink. I hate myself. I hate myself more and more until I start self-medicating and starving. And then I start to be okay with myself again... only to catch my reflection somewhere out in public and I hate myself all over again. What is the name for this disorder? The only way to fix it is to obviously lose weight, because I AM that fat. Mirrors and cameras don't lie. And neither does my lack of love life.  What the fuck is wrong with me  now and how many times can I keep  bouncing back  only to plummet before I have a severe mental collapse... because I feel one  coming on.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyone got any suggestions??

4 elle bees

Woke up this morning 4lbs lighter. Awesome. :D I want to be more excited but I have a long way to go. Still, I'm glad and motivated. The job hunt continues. So does the starvation. 12oz of black coffee + stevia in hand. Let's do this.

get me back to who i am supposed to be

So! Two cups of very strong coffee + stevia. A banana. An apple. Celery and some hummus. That's all for today. Let's see where this gets me.

Having trouble getting a new job. I have an interview tomorrow. Hope it works out so I can work out some sort of routine. Hopefully it is a 10-5 type job. That would be awesome. Time to work out before and after. I hope hope hope. By the looks of things, I am going to have to work through all the holidays. Which is fine because all the major ones, the ones that matter most to me are already over. It is significantly easier to have this eating disorder living on my own (with roommates who have jobs). I miss my mom. A lot. Also being poor is helping. It's nice to say "I can't afford it." And the junk my roomies eat is super healthy bc they are hippies. I would love to tell them that I am Vegan so it is even easier. *sigh* I'm not gonna lie. A good deal of me moving was to have this eating disorder out in the open. I do have family dinners every night, but only till my roomies get on their feet. I've gotten so fat that the hunger pains are quite painful. The coffee makes them go away for hours though. My skinny jeans are painful, ALL of my jeans are painful. I'm ready for this. So ready.

new country

I just moved to a new part of the country. I'm at my HW. FML. Running shoes should come in tomorrow. Here's hoping.