cow

Ate like a fuckin cow today. Gross. Had two belinis a beer a loaf of bread from an Italian restaurant, calamari, and minestrone soup. Fat. Running in the morning. Had a dream about running. I need to.

I mentioned throwing myself at someone who was fragile and broken. Well that man is in the process of rekindling his marriage. I am too disgusting to have the men I want. God  I need to lose weight. Also, there is an ana girl I used to work with, and she is dating the only attractive guy from work... the only one I invested a bit of time in. She's thin as shit. She's lost control though, because she passes out at work all the time, or she did. So of course she is skinny as shit and gets the guy. He's been dating her for awhile now. Trying to hide it from me. Fuck. My. Life. I got my meds today. Sam's birthday is at the beginning of next month. I plan on stay in an ambien coma the entire two day span. Fuck. I need to take my fucking meds soon. I need to find a psychiatrist as well. To re-prescribe my meds when I use them up. Okay. Shit. Thinking about Sam and his birthday ... making me feel really suicidal. Shit. I need these meds and I hate it. I wanted to be dead by now. And then the holidays. And my birthday. Which was only good the past two years. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I know Chris will never want me... no matter what I feel in my heart... no matter what... Chris will never love me. Even though I pray about it... that man will never love me. I'm too fat. I'm too disgusting. I don't think I am going to make it till Christmas.
That guy I mentioned before - the divorced one who is trying to get back with his wife...is also sleeping with me... yeah. Don't go feeling too bad for me... I'm a terrible fucking human being.