"Let it Be me" Ray LaMontagne & "Once I Was" Tim Buckley
I can't remember what this title was supposed to be about. Just a girl. An anecdote to years spent hence the candles... how long has it been... since a coffin made of hospital bed. How long? How long? Indeed has it been that long...? Since a girl... A Magnificent girl, Monica. She shown a light. She taught me how. She showed me. She grew me. She gave me this sweater I am wearing. God. Wow. She changed my life. Even if she didn't... she did though.
Even if she didn't, she did though.
Even if she didn't she did though.
Monica you princess amongst mankind. If you have passed, I would be a wreck. Please please live on. Please please please have gotten better. The shake it gave you... God tell me it was enough. I hope you're here. Some two thousand miles away. Let you be ... God let you be living...
Monday, December 1, 2014
Sunday, November 30, 2014
necessary nagging
I had this horrible feeling for awhile... that Dexter was falling out of love with me. Turns out ... he was never as in love with me as I thought.
Now, granted those are my words... but they are words that he agreed with.
Our entire relationship has been one great, big misinterpretation.
Fantastic.
I hate this life.
I really fucking do.
Why do I trust people? Why do I love people? Why do I care? Why do I even entertain the idea of letting my guard down... it never ends well. Ever.
Now, granted those are my words... but they are words that he agreed with.
Our entire relationship has been one great, big misinterpretation.
Fantastic.
I hate this life.
I really fucking do.
Why do I trust people? Why do I love people? Why do I care? Why do I even entertain the idea of letting my guard down... it never ends well. Ever.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
homeless heart
So I "moved in" with my boyfriend ... oh wait, no, I moved into the house his older sister owns. I mean older. Like 45 but didnt take care of herself at all so her hair is all salt and pepper and I don't think she knows what makeup even is. I am beyond exhausted. One of my bf's housemates is a total asshole and now my boyfriend needs space. It feels like it did right before Sam broke up with me... so I've been crying a lot. and I've drank an entire bottle of wine. And I'm sleeping alone tonight.
I worked out for the first time in months today which is awesome because I really needed it. My knee is so fucked up... it's really sad. All the muscle I spent my whole life building, has deteriorated. When I used the machine that makes your knees do little curls, with the cushion in front of the knees, it could barely lift 15lbs. I was doing 50-75lbs easy before the injury. I worked out with a new friend. She is fucking beautiful... so... yeah... that sucks. Let's call her Taylor. She's an amazing friend though, truly, which is the only reason why I am putting up with how beautiful she is.
I started school. Fucking crazy. To be in school. I go to Atlanta in like a week. C R A Z Y. I'm so not used to going home. It's... weird. I'm broke as shit because I don't work but three or two days a week and my fucking financial aid has not come thru. And I'm passing out as I type this. Let's review - my bf's best friend is a piece of shit and I need to work on getting him to see it too... in my defense, I have been considering what I think about him for some months now, that is, my bf's bff that is...let's call him Roman. Yes, I have been considering Roman to be a total and complete prick as of late and for the past few months. He hates everyone and everything including himself. If he can't smoke it or drink it, it has very little use to him. Perhaps I should be focusing on how to console my Dexter when Roman kills himself or gets himself in jail or finally turns on him, as I expect he will. Roman is mysterious and secretive and I believe him to have ties to the occult...which is why I do my best not to cross him. I can hate him secretly... the other housemate, Mimi, hugged the day after I snapped at Roman's traveler friend and that was off-puting... she does not hug nor is she affectionate... it is as though she knows my time in their lives has come to an end. Goddamnit. His fucking sister is going to kick me out of the house. I fucking know it. If my relationship with Dexter ends... well shit... everytyhing tells me to fuck the lemons and bail but... I don't want to go back to Atlanta... I don't want to live there. I have no desire to make that shit hole a part of my life. And I worked so hard to get into school here... I would move on campus. Yup. I've decided. I would move on campus. And if it wouldn't work... I would fuck the lemons and bail...no. I would drop my class, defer enrollment till next fall. Get my old job back and work my ass off until next school year. Get my own apt. Yes.
Thinking of a life without Dexter feels crippling... I deluded myself into thinking he really truly loved me and I have to let that go. He doesn't. Despite the words that come out of his mouth his actions say otherwise... yes. Best to distance myself now while I have a little bit of sanity left.
Dexter... I loved you completely... I thought I would never love like that again... and you showed me infinite kindness and understanding. You were the only worthwhile thing to have happened to me while living in this state...and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.
Fuck. Everything.
I worked out for the first time in months today which is awesome because I really needed it. My knee is so fucked up... it's really sad. All the muscle I spent my whole life building, has deteriorated. When I used the machine that makes your knees do little curls, with the cushion in front of the knees, it could barely lift 15lbs. I was doing 50-75lbs easy before the injury. I worked out with a new friend. She is fucking beautiful... so... yeah... that sucks. Let's call her Taylor. She's an amazing friend though, truly, which is the only reason why I am putting up with how beautiful she is.
I started school. Fucking crazy. To be in school. I go to Atlanta in like a week. C R A Z Y. I'm so not used to going home. It's... weird. I'm broke as shit because I don't work but three or two days a week and my fucking financial aid has not come thru. And I'm passing out as I type this. Let's review - my bf's best friend is a piece of shit and I need to work on getting him to see it too... in my defense, I have been considering what I think about him for some months now, that is, my bf's bff that is...let's call him Roman. Yes, I have been considering Roman to be a total and complete prick as of late and for the past few months. He hates everyone and everything including himself. If he can't smoke it or drink it, it has very little use to him. Perhaps I should be focusing on how to console my Dexter when Roman kills himself or gets himself in jail or finally turns on him, as I expect he will. Roman is mysterious and secretive and I believe him to have ties to the occult...which is why I do my best not to cross him. I can hate him secretly... the other housemate, Mimi, hugged the day after I snapped at Roman's traveler friend and that was off-puting... she does not hug nor is she affectionate... it is as though she knows my time in their lives has come to an end. Goddamnit. His fucking sister is going to kick me out of the house. I fucking know it. If my relationship with Dexter ends... well shit... everytyhing tells me to fuck the lemons and bail but... I don't want to go back to Atlanta... I don't want to live there. I have no desire to make that shit hole a part of my life. And I worked so hard to get into school here... I would move on campus. Yup. I've decided. I would move on campus. And if it wouldn't work... I would fuck the lemons and bail...no. I would drop my class, defer enrollment till next fall. Get my old job back and work my ass off until next school year. Get my own apt. Yes.
Thinking of a life without Dexter feels crippling... I deluded myself into thinking he really truly loved me and I have to let that go. He doesn't. Despite the words that come out of his mouth his actions say otherwise... yes. Best to distance myself now while I have a little bit of sanity left.
Dexter... I loved you completely... I thought I would never love like that again... and you showed me infinite kindness and understanding. You were the only worthwhile thing to have happened to me while living in this state...and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.
Fuck. Everything.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
And then it was summer
So I did HCG drops and they worked. And then I got fat again. My knee injury really fucked me up. I have been gaining weight. I hate myself. The depression creeped back in a few days ago and it got me a little angry ... like I'm pissed that I feel this way... I just want it to stop. Also... I can't stop eating like a cow... reverse thinspo is absolutely necessary. Still have a fantastic and beautiful boyfriend... I don't know how I am conning him into loving me but I'm glad he does... he's all I got right now.
 |
| alone |
 |
| me and my bf |
 | |
| me and my bf x 2 |
Friday, January 31, 2014
shame thru windows
Well it's been awhile. I am at an all time fat. I tried doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and I was beat to shit for like three days after. My CW is 220. I am ashamed and humiliated. It's time for me to get my shit together. And it will be much more difficult this time around. I have a boyfriend. Who is wonderful and kind and who loves me as I am. Gross. It's gonna be tricky to not eat around him. I could just tell him that I am trying to eat better and not eat so late at night. I also need to caffeinated much better. When I was better caffeinated in the past I was thinner. Also I applied for college. I'm trying to make my life less joke like.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
How much would you bet?
Constant Knot - City & Colour
I asked a guy out. He said yes. Went out twice. Had sex. That doesn't feel smart. Let's call him Dexter. I feel like I am trying so hard to be this detached thing and I can't quite swing it. I want to like him. I like parts of him. I feel obligated to like him because the sex was so surreal and intense and fantastic and I don't want it to stop but I realized today... how do I end this? ... When my mind drew the blank that those ellipses so inaccurately depicted, my next thought was, What the fuck did I get myself into? Shit. I'm seeing him again. I want to have sex with him again. Probably won't happen. Sex with me is a fluke.
Confessions - City & Colour
I'm a year older. Non the wiser. Desperately wishing I could be this instrument of detachment and unloving. I will always settle for less because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Fucked, probably. But that's all I will allow myself. Love is a thing I only did well once. I tried before-hand and fucked it up pretty big. And by the time I got it right I didn't want to do it any more and... As much as I want to settle down and have a husband and a partner for life... I guess I'm not ready. I'm just Mosby-ing around. But this is 27. Have fun or die trying, right?
I've been living healthier. I decided that's close enough to 30 whilst being this fat and ugly. Sauna 3-4 times a week. Small workouts for now. Make-up, sun-screen and a facial cleansing routine every day/night. Healthy food and I want to keep as little food as possible in my apartment.
I feel like Dexter only fucked me because I asked him out and he was rewarding my courage. He only wanted to go for as long as we did because I footed the bill for dinner. He won't want to fuck me again and it is only a matter of time until he is ready to move on. Yes, I really think like this. Yes, I honestly think everyone else does as well. No, I don't think it is insane, depressing or pessimistic. It's just the goddamned truth. People don't fall in love this way. But honestly, I don't think I want to. I'm afraid of my attachments and feelings so I have decided to not acknowledge them, and God willing they will eventually fade away.
Next week I am ridding my diet of refined sugar. Aside from the goddamn gluttonous holiday that will embark upon us soon enough. Now I need to fake humility interest compassion and pretty much all other emotions until I have the time to write here again. Last guy I was with I dated for a month before we had sex. This time is was two days. Being an adult sucks. Fuck fuck fuck this.
I asked a guy out. He said yes. Went out twice. Had sex. That doesn't feel smart. Let's call him Dexter. I feel like I am trying so hard to be this detached thing and I can't quite swing it. I want to like him. I like parts of him. I feel obligated to like him because the sex was so surreal and intense and fantastic and I don't want it to stop but I realized today... how do I end this? ... When my mind drew the blank that those ellipses so inaccurately depicted, my next thought was, What the fuck did I get myself into? Shit. I'm seeing him again. I want to have sex with him again. Probably won't happen. Sex with me is a fluke.
Confessions - City & Colour
I'm a year older. Non the wiser. Desperately wishing I could be this instrument of detachment and unloving. I will always settle for less because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Fucked, probably. But that's all I will allow myself. Love is a thing I only did well once. I tried before-hand and fucked it up pretty big. And by the time I got it right I didn't want to do it any more and... As much as I want to settle down and have a husband and a partner for life... I guess I'm not ready. I'm just Mosby-ing around. But this is 27. Have fun or die trying, right?
I've been living healthier. I decided that's close enough to 30 whilst being this fat and ugly. Sauna 3-4 times a week. Small workouts for now. Make-up, sun-screen and a facial cleansing routine every day/night. Healthy food and I want to keep as little food as possible in my apartment.
I feel like Dexter only fucked me because I asked him out and he was rewarding my courage. He only wanted to go for as long as we did because I footed the bill for dinner. He won't want to fuck me again and it is only a matter of time until he is ready to move on. Yes, I really think like this. Yes, I honestly think everyone else does as well. No, I don't think it is insane, depressing or pessimistic. It's just the goddamned truth. People don't fall in love this way. But honestly, I don't think I want to. I'm afraid of my attachments and feelings so I have decided to not acknowledge them, and God willing they will eventually fade away.
Next week I am ridding my diet of refined sugar. Aside from the goddamn gluttonous holiday that will embark upon us soon enough. Now I need to fake humility interest compassion and pretty much all other emotions until I have the time to write here again. Last guy I was with I dated for a month before we had sex. This time is was two days. Being an adult sucks. Fuck fuck fuck this.
Monday, October 21, 2013
i turn the page
Turning Page - Sleeping At Last
I turn the page
of this season
of my life
only to end up somewhere
I thought long passed
enduring the same mistakes
Grasping at the same fate
still so painfully and completely ...
how have I grown into
only more of the same;
same wrong path
how do I do this
so well?
it seems my only skill
is that of personal upheaval
and undoing
misguided attempts at reformation
disillusioned aspirations exciting a future that simply
will not come to pass
no recourse of ideation
but one...
its cool to the touch
introspection of such delivers
anxiety on my skin
unblunted edges drag across the soft surface
so easily blemished
so quickly
and lasting for the rest of my eternity
it's so easy
so finite
so damning
yet it is the only release I can find
I turn the page
of this season
of my life
only to end up somewhere
I thought long passed
enduring the same mistakes
Grasping at the same fate
still so painfully and completely ...
how have I grown into
only more of the same;
same wrong path
how do I do this
so well?
it seems my only skill
is that of personal upheaval
and undoing
misguided attempts at reformation
disillusioned aspirations exciting a future that simply
will not come to pass
no recourse of ideation
but one...
its cool to the touch
introspection of such delivers
anxiety on my skin
unblunted edges drag across the soft surface
so easily blemished
so quickly
and lasting for the rest of my eternity
it's so easy
so finite
so damning
yet it is the only release I can find
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